Parents Journey
Your Baby’s Birth
When a baby dies before birth, they are usually delivered vaginally. Your midwife will discuss induction with you and help plan your delivery. In some circumstances, for medical reasons, a caesarean section may be offered. This is a heartbreaking time, when the joy and anticipation of pregnancy suddenly change. Many parents find comfort in having someone they trust, such as a close friend or family member, with them.
Where possible, you will be supported by a dedicated bereavement midwife, ideally someone specially trained by Abigail’s Footsteps to care for families experiencing loss. You may be offered a private bereavement room, either on the labour ward or in a quieter area of the hospital.
Your midwife will discuss pain relief options and support you in making the choices that feel right for you.
Meeting Your Baby
After your baby is born, there is no right or wrong way to cope with the moments that follow. You may feel overwhelmed, numb, frightened, or unsure. Take your time and move at your own pace. Some parents wish to hold their baby immediately. Others prefer to wait until they feel ready, and some decide not to see their baby at all. Whatever you choose is completely okay — your choices are personal, valid, and will be respected.
You may be offered the use of one of our Abi Cooling Cots. This allows your baby to stay with you for longer by keeping them at a constant temperature. It can give you precious time —time to hold your baby, bathe them, introduce them to close family, read to them, or simply sit together quietly.
If you wish, the charity Remember My Baby can visit to take professional photographs.
Handprints, footprints, and other keepsakes may also be offered if you would like them. Your bereavement midwife will be able to give you more information on what is available in your area.
If you would like support from a faith leader or chaplain, your bereavement team can help to arrange this.
Post-Mortem Examination
A doctor will talk with you about whether you would like to consent to a post-mortem examination. This is entirely your decision. You may choose a full examination or a limited one — whatever feels right for you. The hospital team will ensure you have time and space to think before deciding. Sometimes, even after a post-mortem, it may not be possible to find a clear answer about why your baby died.
Reasons you might consider having post-mortem:
- to help understand more about why your baby died, including whether there may have been a genetic condition or an underlying health issue
- to help provide information that may be relevant for any future pregnancies
- to confirm or add to what was understood from scans or tests during pregnancy
Your Physical Recovery
As your body has gone through pregnancy and birth, it may begin producing breast milk. If you prefer not to lactate, medication can be prescribed to help prevent milk production.
Your bereavement midwife will be able to provide you with information and guidance should you wish to explore the option of donating your milk.
Funeral Arrangements
The bereavement team will guide you through the options for your baby’s funeral. For many parents, this is something they have never had to consider before.
If you do not already have a preferred funeral director, your bereavement midwife can provide a list of local providers, or you may choose a hospital-organised funeral. Through the Children’s Funeral Fund for England, families do not have to pay for the cremation or burial of a baby who dies after 24 weeks’ gestation. The fund also contributes to the cost of a coffin, shroud, or casket.
For losses before 24 weeks, some charges may apply, but many funeral directors waive their fees at their discretion.
If you are considering cremation, you may want to know whether you will receive your baby’s ashes. This can depend on several factors:
Type of cremation:
Ashes are returned only following an individual cremation. In shared cremations, all ashes are buried or scattered together at the crematorium.
Baby’s size:
Very small babies may leave little or no ash. Crematorium facilities: Some crematoria use specialist equipment designed to preserve even very small amounts of ash. You can ask about this in advance to find a crematorium that aligns with your wishes.
You may be invited to carry your baby’s coffin, and some parents, especially fathers, find this can be an important part of their grieving and a way to show love and honour for their baby. Whatever you decide is completely your choice and will be respected.
Certificates and Registration
No parent imagines ever having to register their baby’s death, but this is something that must be done. If your baby was stillborn, the hospital will give you a Medical Certificate of Stillbirth before you leave. You’ll need this document for registration, which must be completed within 42 days.
If your baby died before 24 weeks of pregnancy, you may request a Certificate of Loss via government website.
Visiting the Register Office can feel incredibly difficult, but staff are trained to support bereaved parents and will do their best to make the experience as gentle as possible. Phoning ahead to let them know you are coming can help ensure you are expected, met sensitively, and looked after appropriately.
Leaving the Hospital
Leaving the hospital without your baby is one of the hardest moments a parent can face. Many hospitals allow you to return to see your baby in the chapel of rest or bereavement room before the post-mortem, or before they are taken to the funeral home. Some parents prefer not to return, choosing to hold onto the memory of their baby as they were at birth. Whatever you choose is completely okay — your choices are personal, valid, and should be respected.
Taking Your Baby Home
In some situations, you may wish to take your baby home for a short time before the funeral. If this is something you want to consider, please discuss it with your bereavement midwife, who will explain what support and arrangements can be made to ensure your baby is cared for safely during that time.
When You Go Home
Going home without your baby can feel overwhelming. You may experience many different emotions, and they may change from moment to moment. Please be gentle with yourself — there is no timetable for grief.
You may find these links and resources helpful for information and support.
Maternity and neonatal independent senior advocates
Maternity and neonatal independent senior advocates help make sure the voices of women and families are listened to, heard and acted upon by their maternity and neonatal services.
Children’s Funeral Fund
CFC assist families financially in England and Wales who have to arrange a funeral for a baby or child aged 16 or under. The government’s Children’s Funeral Fund (CFF) came into effect in 2019 but not all funeral costs are covered, CFC will be able to guide bereaved families through the process and help with any shortfall.
Society of Allied and Independent Funeral Directors
SAIF represent the smaller independent privately owned firms. You can put in your postcode and search for a funeral director in your area, enabling you to view all the funeral directors close by.
National Association of Funeral Directors
NAFD mostly represent the larger businesses; such as the Co-Operatives, who perform 85% of UK funerals. On their website you can search for a funeral director in your area.
The Compassionate Friends
They have a help and support line that is always answered by a parent who has been previously bereft. Therefore, help is always at hand. Their telephone lines are open during the day from 10am – 4pm, then in the evening from 7pm – 10pm. They are simply there to listen if you need someone to talk to, or indeed they can offer to put you in touch with a local group that can support you. Their lines are open all year round.
Government Services and Information on registering a stilbirth
This website will give you further help and guidance on what your legal requirements are for the part of the UK you reside in. It provides a link so you will be able to find your nearest local authority register office. They also provide useful links on your entitlements as parents for maternity and paternity leave from work, and indeed what your financial entitlements are as well.
Child Bereavement UK
CBUK supports families and educates professionals both when a baby or child of any age dies or is dying, and when a child is facing bereavement.
Sands
Sands works to support anyone affected by the death of a baby; improve the care bereaved parents receive; and create a world where fewer babies die.